Letting Go… and Holding On

Hey hey guys!!

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So I have majorly let this blog slide. I really shouldn’t have, given how much I love blogging. But you know, life and all…

Actually that is what I was wanting to blog about. That’s what I’ve always wanted to blog about. Life.

It’s something I’ve been having a bit of an issue with, not just now, but for a few years. I can’t decide whether it’s the thing we should all endeavor to protect and cherish the most, or whether it’s something I wish could just be eradicated. Certainly where people are concerned.

I’m not saying all people are evil, or that there are not wonderful things out there, happening every day. Just that, in seemingly greater amounts, there are are truly horrific things happening as well. And when pain outweighs pleasure, it sits badly with me.

Unfortunately, I am one of those people who are deeply affected by the shit storm of life. I’m one of those people, the pessimists, the sceptics. Call it what you like, but I tend to disasterise before I see the silver lining. It’s a curse, but I know I’m not the only one to think like this.

See, to quote Young Guns (a British rock band, look ’em up)

The weight of the world is a burden I can’t bare

The crappy thing is, it’s a burden I tend to try my damnedest to bare, regardless of how difficult it is, no matter how impractical, no matter how insensible. I would rather take everyone I care about’s problems and add them to the pack on my back than watch them do anything other than sail through life.

Yet I’m reaching the end of my ability to do this, it seems. I’m holding on… but only just. It’s time to let go… I just don’t quite know just yet what to let go of.

Life is the sort of concept that is too big for me. I love all the existential, interesting questions hat challenge human behaviour, but as for actually dealing with it myself? Not so much something I’m really great at. As much as I love adventuring, experiencing things I’ve never seen before or done, there are days when even the thought of leaving my bed, let alone my flat or my parents house is a challenge in itself. The thought and effort that it takes to so much as visualise doing anything other than taking my next breath can be staggeringly exhausting and actually making moves to get up can be something so far outside my abilities that it’s not even worth considering!

I’m skirting around the issue here, but if you have half a brain you will understand why all this is. I want to link you to something that will explain this better than I ever will be able to. HERE you go.

“Getting better” isn’t even something I’m all that interested in, most of the time. If the idea of “life” is exhausting, simply opening my eyes and being aware that there is something outside the disembodied sounds in my head, then having an exterior that reflects wellness just doesn’t seem to make sense. It’s juxtaposition in the truest sense.

I have little motivation to eat and at present I am eating just enough to keep me round about alive, but not really living. It’s not a long term plan. I went to a family party and some sort of primal instinct kicked in and I ate more in one afternoon that I have collectively in weeks. This actually make me really annoyed. The extra vitamins are going to be reflected in my appearance tomorrow when in reality I am going to be feeling a dreadful as ever, if not more so, owing to the fact that the extra nourishment is one step back from the brink that I’m teetering, tempted, over.

Where I go from here is right now a fluid concept. I am very much in flux. Right now I don’t even have a definitive address. I get up every day because I have more than one illness of the mind. One conflicts with the other and it’s an exhaustive concept and it means I sleep very little, think a lot and worry and feel stressed and sad and hopeless and conflicted and… well, a cocktail of terrible things, most of the time. There is a cacophony of sound in my head, all the god damn time and I hate it, I hate it so so much. I’m in constant pain and i can’t concentrate. University is getting so hard when these voices and sounds get so loud.

Imagine it like this; you’re trying to read something, that is what your goal is. But you are listening to a really angry podcast in headphones in one ear, with someone yelling at you in one of those little in-ear, spy gear things in the other. There is also a conversation happening nearby that you should be paying attention to you, so you are trying really hard to listen in, but it’s hard to hear because there is a conversation between a bunch of people happening in your head as well and there are some really difficult to ignore voices in that conversation. Those voices are the worst because all of them are so angry and saying some truly horrible things. You kind of feel like your bones are being squeezed really hard and that your lungs are half the size they should be. These is also this blackness creeping over you. Even if it’s sunny, you feel cold, desolate, like you are sitting on a block of ice in a dark room.

This might not be the best description but you will have to forgive me; I can’t quite form a reasonable line of thought over all the white noise and voices… I wish they wouldn’t quiet down a little… I’m really, really tired…

Anyway, I thought I would check in. I might post a few more like this, we will see. I’m somehow simultaneously super busy and have nothing to do. Life, eh??

SSDD

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Take A Break From Your Head

Your Own Head Is Often Crowded

Exhausted by the mental whirlygig of everyday trials and tribulations? Sick of being slowly blinkered by a life that seems perennial and resolute in its mission to blacken your soul? Exasperated by perpetually cheery co-workers who just don’t get that no, the sun does not always shine out of the worlds every orifice, especially when said world hasn’t gifted you with a day off in… EVER!

If one particular co-worker seems to spend an inordinate amount of time in the stationary closet, they are probably doing the nasty with another suspiciously cheery co-worker. Anything to pass the eternity between those ever elusive holidays…

Taking a break can alter you in ways you never realised it could. Holidays can be more than just a physical break from location so much as a mental relocation.

So Take A Break

Fresh surroundings can do wonders for the mind and the mood. I think it’s something to do with the complete break from routine. You can try to keep as much to your own ways as possible but there’s no avoiding the fact that a new place is just bigger than you. It is more set in it’s permanence and you, as a foreign entity intruding on it’s turf, have no leverage in trying to meld it around yourself.

That’s why we go on holiday, really. To be forced into a situation that is outwith our control, somewhere that has it’s whole own set of rules and pre-ordained regulations. We can take a break from the humdrum normality of our own lives and be dropped into some other cats alley.

A break from being yourself can be just what the doctor ordered, but the question is, where will provide such a release…

Stay tunes to find my confusingly blissful oblivion… 🙂

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SSDD

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The Littlest Things Can Bring You Comfort And Keep You Same

The Littlest Things Can Bring You Comfort And Keep You Same

The little things you wear that can mean the most.

For example, whenever I am doing something that makes me nervous or that i need courage for, I wear the guardian angel pin my mum gave me about 9 years ago. One of the gems is missing, but I’ve worn it through every important even in my life since then and while i’m not a religious person, I am quite spiritual and it has given me comfort.

I have no idea where that gem fell off, but to me, it’s imperfection is a form of it’s perfection. It’s a little like me, a little like mum. A bit dog-eared, ever-so-slightly worse for wear yet still shining on through stubbornly, that remaining jewel apparently impervious to the elements that claimed it’s brother.

A touch to that in a nervous moment and a calm enters me. Just a tiny bit. But, it is something of an ancestral calm, something ancient and strong.

Either that or I have a really vivid imagination, either one’s a possibility to be honest.

A friend gifted me a stunning necklace in thanks for helping her in her darkest hour.

and WITHIN, behold the loveliness!! :D

and WITHIN, behold the loveliness!! 😀

The necklace is from Linda Macdonald, whose website I have linked you to.

Such a beautiful gift means so much to me and I’ve had so many compliments on it. I’m known among my friends for loving jewellery and my mum is a great collector of very, very expensive rings. Not in an obnoxious way, just on very special occasions she gets a new one. Like her 40th50th 25th Wedding Anniversary. She says;

“…when it’s a special occasion you dad asks me what I want and I always say a ring. It doesn’t mean I like it any more or any less, but when I look at a ring I like that I can tell you the history behind it. I like a wee bit of history behind them. Just for me. It helps keep the memories…”

I’m a sentimentalist. Every time I wear the necklace (which has become every day, more or less) I put it back in the padded pink box then back in the lacy drawstring bag. There’s nothing I love more than a well packaged gift; it makes the contents seem all the more special. Some would call it superfluous – I call it attention to detail.

I looked up the lady who designed it, because I was curious and oh my goodness she’s so talented!! Totally deserved the award. I may invest in another item, sooooo many to choose from!

 

SSDD

Impulses Influence Everyone

I recently made a post on how you shouldn’t let fear rule your life.

Well, I think this might become something of a theme with me. So get used to it. On with round two!

Fear doesn’t just rule your life, it ends up influencing the lives of those around you, too. Think about this situation:

Someone has a fear, something that is exercising a measure of restriction over their life. A person close to them has to deal with this, if not every day, then certainly on a regular basis.

So, not only are you struggling against that issue, it is being forced on the people around you, whether you want to or not, whether you mean to or not, it’s happening, regardless.

now you don't have to be perfect, you can be good

Say for example, that you have to have someone with you while you’re eating. You can’t eat alone, but at the same time, you can’t not eat. It’s not just that it would feel weird, sitting at an empty table, one lone table mat, one solitary spoon, a single bowl, a lonesome cup; it’s the whole social convension of the thing. If there are several people in a house, surely it is expected that they would eat together. No? Why not? And if you were to strike out on your own, let that cup have a friend in the shape your hand wrapped around it, that spoon find a home that isn’t chatting to someone at the same time, then how would other people react? Would they question you? What did you have? When? Why did you sit on your own and not wait til other people were about? Did you actually have something or are you just pretending you did?

So you have this inner turmoil. Then demand someone have breakfast with you.

Herein lies the problem.

What if the other residents of the household do not want to have breakfast at the same time as you? But you have to have it at a certain time. What will happen if you let them have a lie-in and have it later? Who knows? Maybe nothing. Maybe something terrible.  On and on it goes. The mental carousel from hell.

Even though for you, this seems like a huge deal that only you are dealing with, the necessity of having something done at a certain time, in a certain way, with the situation just the way you want it, this is not you exerting control – this is a part of your brain malfunctioning and controlling you and the people around you. As an individual, you have no influence here. You won’t, until you start fighting back.

It isn’t unusual for people to struggle. Everyone has struggles, whether that be with their mental health, physical health, work, body image, heights, hygiene, mobility… Any of these can be catastrophic for the sufferer but impact everyone. Think about it in the above example. You have to have someone with you all the time. That is going to get tiring, for everyone concerned, even though you are only doing it with the best of intentions, for reasons which seem right.

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So, to combat these problems you engage in behaviours, routines. It could be anything from waiting til people are out of the house before having your breakfast to dragging them out of bed, fully against their will.Think about how these impulses effect the people around you. You are just trying to get things done properly and avoid the fear that comes from not having them done right. So what if it’s not bothering them. It bothers you.

There are certain conditions, such as Eating Disorders and Obsessive Compulsive Disorders, Attention Deficit Disorder and Anxiety Disorders, that mean that familys are often more accepting of such bizzare behaviour. The idea is that you can’t help it, but that you are trying to and for the most part, that’s enough to satiate their corresponding impulse to wring you bloody neck!

But stress gets to us all. There will be times when the pressure of having to get up at whatever time has been deemed the “correct” time just isn’t going to work for everyone. If an argument kicks off there is one vital thing to remember;

Your loved one is not yelling at you, they are yelling at the fear controlling you. Controlling both of you.

Remind yourself of that, and maybe, just maybe, the fear of everything collapsing in on itself will get a little bit less.

And try having your breakfast on your own. The first step.

don't feel alone i'm here

SSDD

Doing The Things That Scares You

Doing The Things That Scare You…

Not always the simplest of tasks, is it. By their very existence, a thing that scares you isn’t something you’re going to be readily willing to do. The question is; why?

The answer may be, evolution.

By challenging the things out bodies repel we are forcing them into situations they would otherwise avoid entirely. From this, we are growing, adapting, learning. Whether we survive or not is in the hands of our own inherent abilities, or lack there of, and our willingness to defeat the obstacle in front of us.

Defeating an obstacle might not be as simple as whipping out your Samurai sword and slicing and dicing some monster, or calling upon your Knight in Shinning Armour (yes, capitals, why give him a real name if he is robed in shiney things??) to slay a beast in your honour and rescue you and offer you a lifetime of unconditional love in return. Not all things in life can be Disneyfied.

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Are you a Samurai, or are you waiting to be saved? …

There are things that scare us that can’t be seen. There are also things that others can see that we can’t, and that can be scary.

Epilepsy-ScotlandFor example, in a couple of days, my friend is going to bungee jump for Epilepsy Scotland . You can’t see epilepsy, but for a lot of people, the threat of a fit is something they carry with them on a daily basis. She is 19 and doing a bungee jump (!!) so help someone else feel less scared. As excited as I know the lucky bitch is (I would LOVE to do a bungee jump and she’s a bit crazy so i know she would too!!) I’m pretty sure she is going to be shitting bricks before it. I am not fooled by your calm and ginger demeanor Lambie, no I am not – I saw the twitch when you told me you were doing it!

That mad nutter on the left is Gillian, the other is me :)

That mad nutter on the left is Gillian, the other is me 🙂

Now for a flattering one... ;)

Now for a flattering one… 😉

Then again, Doing The Thing That Scares you can be so much more. It can be a challenge you have to face every single day. Yet it is a good thing to challenge our fears. Sometimes the mere act of questioning a fear can save your life. To acknowledge that something terrifies you is the first step to defeating it. Otherwise, it’s just a part of your life, a feature that refuses to move, like a stain, ingrained from years of neglect, left to fester til it is indelible and indistinguishable from the rest of you. And who really wants that? Who wants a dirty great mark, marring the colourful, bizarre and wonderful path that is your life?

Living in fear is not way to live. Sure, grey is a colour. But what kind of journey would life be if that was all you saw? There are things that have to be black and white, like your morals, the law and so on, all to avoid chaos and anarchy (not meaning that I don’t support free will or that I’m a communist or a dictator or anything, but I do believe we should live to some degree, under a set of rule – just so long as those rules don’t begin to control you entirely).

control

control

To live in the shadows of something is unnecessary, when the means to defeat the darkness is already available to you. You are the key. Face up to the challenge, face up to the fear. Combat the terror. Hold a spider, look down from the top of the tower, eat that slice of triple chocolate fudge cake.

taken from Sally's Baking Addiction

taken from Sally’s Baking Addiction

 

Take baby steps. “Once bitten…” isn’t a phrase for no good reason; if the spider bit you the first time, maybe don’t start with the Black Widow. If you once fell from a 20 storey building then (aside from being a medical marvel and quite frankly, a magician) maybe begin with something lower. If you quake at the sight of food, start small, a biscuit here, a sandwich there. Baby steps.

see things from a different perspective...

see things from a different perspective…

Or you could go all Herculean and raise the bar well above your head and not falter. Go from hospital bed, poisoned and ill to Arachnid Master, Spiderman! Not only look down, but leap off the tallest floor (though this time, might I advise a rope, harness, or very large crash mat). It’s medically inadvisable to go from eating nothing to everything at once so that might be silly, but make the change – fat free to full fat (or as I’ve heard it described, “extra moist, rich, decadent, with an honest chocolate taste and a smooth velvety crumb…” “…Death by Chocolate…”) 

My point is – do not let fear rule – or ruin! – your life. People deserve better than that.

 

SSDD